Heck, I didn't know if I wanted to publish this or not, but I figured it's coming from my heart, so I might as well do it.
So, it's been a heck of a week – well, two weeks actually.
If you remember, I've posted about the recent changes about 2 weeks ago. I've quit my job to join a startup. couldn't be happier.
What I didn't post was that the same day I quit (and was REALLY happy about it), we've got informed that your granddad had cancer on his esophagus (hope that's spelled right).
The universe always finds a way to even moods out I guess…
He had some back and forth with various doctors recently, but I'll get to that in a second.
Today was a good day, in many aspects.
I was finally exempted from work today. Last 2 weeks were really weird. I quit, but I knew I had 3 months notice, so I expected about 1.5 months of work and then going “on holidays” as I had so many free days left (I basically never took a single day off for the past 1.5 years).
Then, last week, my former boss called to tell me that they talked to leadership and asked me to clear my office/desk by the end of last week. Fair enough.
I did a proper handover and it was discussed that I would keep my phone and laptop to answer possible outstanding questions.
Then, yesterday – suddenly, lots of pressure. Got a call telling me to hand in my laptop, phone, credit card, badge all by today. So yeah. good for me, more time to found the startup.
So today, after being a bit hungover from yesterday, we went to have the pitch with an investor in the afternoon. Long story short: He was excited and agreed to fund us. So really, really happy. And I only found out later what kind of a big fish he is. incredibly connected. jesus… I would have been a lot more nervous if I knew that before (I did the pitch9).
On the way to the investor, I phoned home and heard that your granddad's cancer isn't as bad as expected (well it's still bad to have it I guess), but it's not a very aggressive form and… as doctors say… “manageable”.
So you might say – 3 big things the same day. I was very happy when I returned home. I felt very well.
I did some more office work after getting you girls to bed and after mom went to bed as well as she was tired (past 10 pm already). I watched this:
(Deadmau5 closing ultra live stage 2016 in case it ever gets deleted).
I got to the about 52 minute mark.
A song called “4ware” started playing.
And I started crying.
I don't know why. I can't even describe my feelings. It was a mix of… I don't know. relief.
For the first time in years, I feel I'm back on track.
I feel like I'm doing something I can be proud of – for you.
I feel like I'm not having to bend myself anymore.
Yes, it's a risk. Yes, it's a gamble, in a way. But it feels right. ANd it feels like whatever happens, I will be able to look you in the eyes 20 years from now and say: I did what my heart told me to do. I did what I felt was real. Was honest. Was good. Was aligned with the values I wanted to teach you.
I couldn't have done this in the past few years.
It feels like I?m touching my core again. I will be able to look all of you in the eyes and say: Hey, I went for something I believe in. I went all in. and I did it because I know I couldn't teach you the same without doing it myself.
So yeah. I broke down. Cried like a little kid. Confused feelings. Happiness. Excitement. Relief. I can't tell you.
and now I'm sitting here writing this post, wondering if I'm just babbling along and if you ever read this you'll say: “Jesus dad, that's embarassing”.
Nevermind. Just needed to share this.
I love you. This is all for you.